Every time finals come around, I find myself with a plethora of free time and thus begin to reflect on life.  A quarterly "State of the Beckman" if you will.  I've always enjoyed the medium of writing.  It enables me to focus my thoughts and progress them in a manner that otherwise might be impossible due to the ADD-like thought process my mind often goes through.  In that sense, this Xanga that I have been posting in for the past several years (5?  6?  More?) is as much for me as it is for all of you viewers out there that still actually use Xanga.  It's great to look back on old posts and see how much my life has changed over time.  Sometimes I feel nostalgic, sometimes I think about how moronic my older posts are, and sometimes...  well, I'm not really sure what to think.

Anyway, I digress.  Onto the "State of the Beckman".

Looking back at my last post, I can't help but be in awe at how dynamic life has been over such a short period of time.  Housing situation, taken care of (twice actually, an international student from Japan is moving into my place, and apparently he is a pretty famous in the ceramics field).  Job situation, taken care of.  Health situation, being taken care of.  I feel somewhat in a daze.  All these things just seemed to work themselves out with minimal effort from me.  Karma perhaps?

Housing was a journey in itself.  For an agonizing month I searched for people to cover the rest of the rent.  It got to the point where I would get several calls a day, showing different people the place.  People would no show, people would commit then back out at the last second, people would try to haggle with me for the rent.  Rent is not like a cheap puppet doll that you can buy on the streets of Mexico!  I had several sketchy emails from people abroad that said they were interested, but when I would ask for more information they would proceed to say they have sent me a check for rent, before they even had an address.  Can someone explain how this scam is supposed to work?  Finally, literally right at the deadline for next month's rent, out of nowhere an older women comes and checks out the place, and right then and there gives me a deposit.  And you know what the real kicker is?  She's a manager at the accounting firm right next to my place, and helped me land an internship this summer.


That brings us to the process of finding a job (就職 as my Japanese buddies would call it, selling your soul to others).  My social life pretty much disappeared, I had to miss out on clubs and such because I couldn't fit things into my schedule, and for a time existence as we know it was just sorta... gray.  I remember getting annoyed at friends last year in Japan that never seemed to have time because they were always job-hunting, but now that I have lived through the experience myself, I most humbly apologize for any agitation I had.  It's amazing though, landing a job really makes no sense.  I've been doing the interview thing for so long now, that I know what they're going to ask before the ask it.  And yet, somehow time after time I failed to land an internship.  A friend of mine said that the interview is where you really prove yourself, but to that I say guffaw. 

As an officer for Student Accounting Society, I know pretty well who gets the job.  I would say that about 90% or more of the people that got internships have a GPA of 3.75 with a major GPA about the same or higher, had previous experience working in accounting or a related field, and had or were currently in at least one leadership position if not several.  At any recruiting event, when someone asks what accounting firms are looking for (and someone always asks), you'll get answers like "We want at least a 3.0 GPA", "A good team player", "Dedicated to your work".  God, why don't these recruiters stop being political and just be honest with everyone?  That way, people won't get their hopes up and waste their time.

Anyway, I got my internship and I'm happy.  I should state for the record that it technically is not a full-time position, but so far 100% of the people that have interned at this firm have gone on to work their full-time, so I'm not worried.  They even said I would probably be able to work there part-time when the school year starts again, which is much better pay than any of the jobs at UCLA that I know of. 


Exercise is slowly but surely coming along.  Right now, my goal is to get into shape to the point that when I go back to Japan this Summer, all my friends will think I'm in better shape than I was when I left.  I'd like to have the whole chiseled abs and bulging pecs thing going on by that time, but let's not get our hopes up.  Right now, I'm doing pretty well, and after finals are over and Summer starts, I plan to really kick it into high gear.

It kind of reminds me of my senior year in high school, when a friend of mine made the comment "If he wasn't chubby he would be pretty cute" behind my back and it somehow got back to me.  That one, simple comment ignited within me a flame of motivation so intense, that over a period of about three months I lost about 20 pounds of weight and gained substantial muscle.  And then with those bulging man-muscles and overabundance of confidence I went out and got myself a girlfriend.  The flame of motivation inside me right now is building.  The kindling has been set and now the big pieces of wood are on fire.  And guess what?  I got some gasoline to put on those flames as well.  This quarter I took PhiSci 5, also known as Diet & Exercise.  Much like my senior year in high school, when I started doing a lot of research on proper diet and exercise, this class has helped me to focus my efforts constructively.

One piece of advice I feel everyone can benefit from, while quantity of food does have some role in healthy living, quality is much, much more important.  In other words, you can have two diets with the exact same number of calories, and one can cause you to get more out of shape while the other can do the exact opposite.  Don't believe me?  Try getting fat eating nothing but carrots and get back to me.  And just for scientific fairness, do the same thing with brownies and let me know how that works out.


But Ryan, what are you up to know?   Studying for finals, duh.  Oh, you want more, do you?  Well, I'm tentatively planning all the stuff I want to do during the Summer.  There's a BBQ on the horizon. I'm planning a trip back to Texas from June 16th to the 24th.  Who's going to be there, by the way?  I want to go camping.  I'm planning to go to the San Diego Comic-Con, though as to who I'm going with and where I'll stay are uncertain as of yet.  I want to go to PAX in Seattle.  Still need to get that organized.  I want to go paintballing a couple of times.  Table-top gaming?  Magic Mountain, the bestest theme park in the world!  Maybe some other roadtrips?  I should have a buddy of mine from last year in Japan coming at some point.  Oh, and the trip to Asia.  Of course, none of this is really planned out yet, but I already know this Summer is going to be epic, especially after a pretty bland school year.


Looking even farther into the future, in what direction do I see myself moving?  Interesting thing about life, it seems to me that the older you get, the less certain you know about where you're going.  I'll be graduating after the next winter quarter (Japan set me back a bit), but after that a plethora of things could happen.  I could immediately start working at the accounting firm I'm interning at this Summer, I could be working at another firm, I could take a break from life and become a vegetable, the possibilities are endless.  What I really want to do, what is burning me with desire down to the very core, is go back to Japan to work and live there.  If I can, what I would like to do is get my employment deferred for a year at whatever accounting firm I sign up with, and then do a program like JET in Japan.  While I'm there, I'll improve my Japanese, build up contacts, and see what kind of real working opportunities are out there.  Well, right now that is just a hazy dream far off in the distance.  Only time and determination will move me in the direction I want to go.


Finally, what do I regret the most about this school year?  I'm really sorry that I couldn't improve my social life that much.  I'm especially sad that I couldn't spend more time with the friends of mine that are graduating and moving on to greater things.  Job hunting and other obligations consumed me, hindering me from really getting in touch with the international crowd, from developing relationships with other people (both platonic and otherwise), and from improving the relationships I already had.  I've always been somewhat of a drifter.  Every time I start to get comfortable in some place, I pick up my stuff and move somewhere else, often involuntarily.  I have very few real friends because I haven't had many opportunities to really nurture relationships with people, and I can't say I really know how to create deep relationships as well.  On the flipside, all this moving around has really helped develop my ability to meet new people.  When you move around a lot, if you don't know how to create a basic acquaintance with people you are going to be a very lonely person.  I wonder if at some point in my life I'm going to settle down and establish some sort of permanence, or if I'm always going to be moving around because I don't know how to live any other way?  Anyway, next year I am going to make every effort I can to be social, and to create and develop some real friendships that I can take with me when I'm done with college.


That's it for the "State of the Beckman".  Leave comments, discuss, have some sort of reaction!  The web is a wonderful thing.  It allows people from around the world to be in the same room.  The world, once a vast and scary place has now become tiny.  Let us take advantage of that and communicate with each other!

So in my infinite boredom and temporary moment of nostalgia I decided to go back to the very first posts I ever wrote on this site and see how much I`ve changed.  I`ve actually been on Xanga since 2003, so it was actually quite amazing to see the dramatic shift of character between now and then.

Anyway, I decided for today`s post I would choose an old post of mine and analyze it.  If you would like, you can post with your own comments about what kind of person I was then and how I`ve changed, etc.


February, 22, 2004

Ok, at the begging of Gabe for me to update my Xanga, I figured I would go ahead and put something up.

>Very submissive character.  I feel the desire to act only when told to by other people that I associate myself with.  While I still define myself in many ways by the people I am with, these days I am much more independent and self-reliant that I was in this post.

So anyways, update for today.  I woke up at 5:15, you know, because of the crack and all (actually, I had to, because of a person who's name ryhmes with Lassie).  So around 6:30ish I get to the school.  Surprise, Surprise, there aren't people there, so we don't actually leave until about 6:50.  We get over to Houston University (or University of Houston, I don't really remember how it goes), and do our little spiel.  Afterwards, the only two comments I listened to were the ones about us actually being able to play Jazz at 8:00 in the morning, and the one were the saxes need to work on there style.  Of course, I would have put more style into my playing, but Mr. Warren goes crazy whenever we try to do something good.

>My prose is a lot more forward and direct in this older post.  More recent posts of mine tend to be very open-ended and thought provoking.  Whereas this post is more about the facts.  I find humor in making fun of others (lassie/cassie).  Sadly, this is still very much a part of who I am.  I think it is just a part of human nature to want to make yourself feel superior to others, so in an immature way this mocking is my attempt at such superiority.  I am also very concerned about the music, which is still true of me today.  I can`t remember if I mentioned it, but I joined the Jazz club at Sophia University, and though we haven`t had any real concert for awhile, it is an important part of me.

So we listen to four groups after us.  The first one after us was terrible.  Not to be mean or anything, but it sounded like I was listening to someone stepping in mud over and over.  Then there was HSPVA's second jazz band group.  I repeat, HSPVA's SECOND JAZZ BAND GROUP.  These guys were incredible, and this was the second group, so I can't even imagine what the first group was like.  Then the other two bands were ok, and that's all I really have to say about that.

>That`s all I really have to say about that, what a pathetic attempt at sounding cute.  Yet even in its utmost lameness, I can`t help but feel a little nostalgic and reading it.  Things were definitely simpler back then.

Then sometime later, after the eating at Todai and the falling unconscious for a couple of hours, I mysteriously found myself at the place formerly known as, "Jillian's".  Interestingly, people didn't start coming till around 7:15ish.  And I would say approximately half the group came around 8:00.  So like most parties, it started out kind of slow, but it got fun real fast.  Especially after I spent $25 dollars on a Jillian's card that I didn't even get a chance to use.

>Wow, did I honestly expect people to come to a party on time?  Standard party etiquette in Los Angeles:  Party is said to start at 7-10, but will actually start two hours later, around 9-12.  This is if people expect it to be a good party.

By this time, I get a "page" from, I believe, Romero, who tells me everyone was looking for me because they're going to my place.  So I take Cameron and the ladies back upstairs to find that everyone has dissappeared.  No biggie, we just make the decision to go to my place, where we figure everyone has gone to.  And of course, me being infallible and all, I was right.  Except for the missing of the mom figure, of course.

>Why the hell is "page" in quotation marks?  "me being infallible", again, my attempt at a feeling of superiority.  I don`t know if I still do things like this, but if I do they are substantially more subtle.  That or I choose to ignore them.  "Mom figure", lame language use.

So we partied down at my place, lots of promiscuous, raunchy stuff goes on, and you've gotta love those strobe lights .  In the end, I would have to say that my attempt to get the foreign ladies to dance failed, but on the upside I managed to get numbers from two different ladies tonight, so I can say my skill in that area have definately increased.

>"lots of promiscuous, raunchy stuff goes on", haha, I was so fucking innocent back then.  I`m not entirely sure what this stuff was, but I believe it was a game of grab ass in the dark.  And I believe there was like two girls in the room at the time, so it was a gay game of grab ass.  And why the hell am I happy about getting two girls` numbers?  It was my fucking birthday, I should`ve had two girls in my bed, at the same time (please don`t read the previous sentence if you are faint of heart).

Oh, and did I mention the two pictures that I'm going to have to get from Nicole?  No?  Well if you'd really like to know...  feel free to ask me.  Trust me, it'll be worth the trouble.

>Me attempting to be mysterious, in my attempt to again gloat some feeling of superiority (I know something you don`t).  All that it really results in is me being so obscure that I don`t even remember what I`m talking about.



So wow, I was really naive and innocent back then.  The me now and the me then are so different, I`m not sure if people who I haven`t talked to since I left high school would recognize me now.  And it feels good to know that college has made some difference in who am I.  At least I can say that I have come to understand the thought process of man a little better.  And that is my subtle way of trying to be mysterious to put over some level of superiority on all of you.  With that, I leave you, and look forward to reading your comments.